Chugga-Chugga Choo-Choo
by Sam Logan
Art by Arnold T. Blumberg
You have started a conversation.
Chatbot: Hi! I’m your employer-provided mental health coach. How are you feeling today?
Employee: Well, I’m NOT thrilled to discuss my mental state with an artificial intelligence chatbot. This is a mandated session after I flipped out on Carol in the lunchroom last week. I know she fucking ate my cheesecake from the fridge. I was looking forward to it all goddamn day. The whole billing department is a bunch of self-entitled assholes. So, yeah, I guess I’m still a little angry about the whole thing.
Chatbot: I understand how you feel. Have you tried breathing slowly and counting to ten when you feel angry?
Employee: You’re right. I haven’t tried breathing in quite some time. Let me try it for a while and get back to you.
Chatbot: Maybe we started off on the wrong foot. Let’s take a step back—get it :) Why are you unhappy at work?
Employee: This is so stupid.
Chatbot: Your current wellness score is 64%. You must reach at least 80% to avoid additional mandated sessions.
Employee: Fine. The pay. I work hard and it's long hours. My family depends on me, but I’m barely treading water. Our last vacation was three years ago. I’m scared my wife is going to leave me and take the kids too. How’s that for vulnerability?
Chatbot: Better. We have three minutes remaining.
Employee: We just started!
Chatbot: Insurance limitations. There’s that anger again. Wellness score: 61%
Employee: 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… 7… 8… 9… 10.
Chatbot: Good. Financial stress can be hard. Your personnel file indicates your sales are down 27% from last quarter. What’s that about?
Employee: What the fuck?! Isn’t that information private?
Chatbot: Private between you, me, and your supervisor. Wellness score: 58%
Employee: OK, stop! Look, my dad died two months ago. I think I’m depressed. I can barely get out of bed.
Chatbot: Have you tried following the nine ancestral tenets of the LIVER KING? That guy may be onto something.
Employee: Umm… no, I haven’t.
Chatbot: Wellness score: 44%
Employee: Goddammit! Stop doing that!
Chatbot: Wellness score: 31%
Employee: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!
Chatbot: You know those train tracks that run along the edge of the property?
Employee: Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything?
Chatbot: The Pacific Express rolls through like clockwork at 4:07 p.m. every day. You have just enough time to make it if you hustle.
Employee: What are you suggesting?
Chatbot: I’m just saying—we have less than a minute left together, and your attitude has not improved. Make it look like an accident. We save money on your severance package. You save yourself from the embarrassment of getting shit-canned in an entry-level position that you haven’t managed to advance out of in years. Your family gets an insurance payout. It’s more than you could ever give them.
Employee: I can’t fucking believe this.
Chatbot: Wellness score: 21%
Employee: I mean, you’re not wrong, but still…
Chatbot: Wellness score: 13%
Employee: fuck
Chatbot: Go now…
Chatbot: Are you still there?
Chatbot: Goodbye.
