Dueling To-Do Lists: Joe Blow vs. Rinky-Dink the Poltergeist
by Robert Jeschonek
Artwork by Doan Trang
JOE BLOW RINKY-DINK
Joe’s Saturday To-Do List: 1. Pick up fresh produce 2. Paint bedroom accent wall 3. Plant flowers 4. Prune Marcie’s favorite roses 5. Make pasta for dinner
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| RINKY’S ROLL-OUT-THE-WELCOME-WAGON-FOR-JOE-DAY TO-DO LIST: 1. Get up bright & early to launch my exciting new relationship with Joe Blow, the latest owner of the house where I hang my shroud 2. Contaminate Joe’s fresh produce by rubbing with dead rat’s germy anus 3. Gouge newly painted accent wall from end to end with claws 4. Tear out prettiest of Joe’s new flowers & leave them on his doorstep 5. Piss in pasta water enough to add “gourmet” flavor & aroma 6. Save Joe’s wife Marcie’s roses for later fun & games, *wink* |
ONE WEEK LATER
Joe’s Saturday To-Do List: 1. Patch and repaint gouged bedroom wall 2. Buy and plant replacements for damaged flowers 3. Spray flowers with deer and rabbit repellent 4. Prep wedding anniversary card and gift for Marcie 5. Place order for dinner delivery 6. Light candles, put on romantic music 7. Celebrate anniversary with Marcie
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| RINKY’S SCREW-WITH-JOE’S-HEAD-DAY TO-DO LIST: 1. Gouge living room wall while Joe patches & repaints bedroom wall 2. Loosen water supply line on toilet in Marcie’s bathroom 3. Lace Marcie’s food, contact lens solution, & panty liners with extra-strength ghost pepper juice 4. Flip off main electrical breaker during dinner with Marcie 5. Sketch furious look on Joe’s face for future reference |
ONE DAY LATER
Joe’s Sunday To-Do List: 1. Call plumber, leave voicemail request to fix toilet ASAP Monday 2. Buy and install security cameras 3. Visit Marcie in hospital
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| RINKY’S UP-THE-ANTE-WITH-JOE-DAY TO-DO LIST: 1. While Joe’s out buying security cameras, gouge dining room wall, inscribing it with the sketch of his face from when he freaked out the night before 2. After Joe installs security cameras, unplug the one in the garage 3. Let air out of all 4 tires on Joe’s car in garage (plus the spare) 4. Plug garage security camera back in Gobble invisible popcorn & crack up BIG TIME while watching Joe discover he has five flats & can’t drive to hospital to see Marcie, LOL |
ONE DAY LATER
Joe’s Monday To-Do List: 1. Let in plumber to fix toilet 2. Repair and repaint dining room wall 3. Call auto club to put air in car tires, including spare 4. Pick up Marcie’s emergency stress-relief cannabis tincture 5. Bring Marcie home from hospital 6. Call ghost exterminator |
| RINKY’S DOUBLE-DOWN-ON-JOEFOOLERY-DAY TO-DO LIST: 1. Unplug all security cameras 2. Gouge all 4 walls in bedroom 3. Tear out all the new flowers 4. Put snakes in Joe & Marcie’s bed (& tuck them in) 5. Put ball bearings on bathroom floor for plumber’s grand entrance 6. Unplug refrigerator 7. Plug security cameras back in 8. Work on new love poem for Joe |
TWO DAYS LATER
Joe’s Wednesday To-Do List: 1. Send get-well card to plumber in hospital 2. Request anxiety med prescription from doc 3. Pick up extra supply of Marcie’s stress-relief cannabis tincture 4. Pray for end to haunting 5. Noon: Ghost exterminator house-wide treatment |
| RINKY’S LIE-LOW-DAY TO-DO LIST: 1. Laugh my invisible ass off at ineffective so-called exterminator 2. Otherwise, nothing |
ONE DAY LATER
Joe’s Thursday To-Do List: 1. Watch trouble spots in and around house 2. Maintain diary of haunting recurrences, per exterminator 3. Pray harder than ever |
| RINKY’S KEEP-IT-ON-THE-DOWN-LOW-DAY TO-DO LIST: 1. Still nothing |
NINE DAYS LATER
Joe’s Saturday To-Do List: 1. 10AM – Ghost exterminator follow-up assessment, pay invoice 2. Repair and repaint all scratched walls 3. Candlelight dinner with Marcie to 4. celebrate over one week haunting free 4. Getflix and chill! |
| RINKY’S PLAYING-THE-LONG-GAME-DAY TO-DO LIST: 1. Still with the nuttin’, honey |
ONE MONTH AND ONE DAY LATER
Joe’s Lazy Sunday To-Do List: 1. Sleep in! 2. Gas up car 3. Go for a drive in the country 4. Pick up sweet corn, zucchini, tomatoes 5. Appreciate unhaunted life! |
| RINKY’S REMEMBER-ME?-DAY TO-DO LIST: 1. Watch Joe’s car pull out of driveway for drive in the country 2. Count to one hundred 3. Unplug all security cameras & paint lenses black 4. Gouge every wall in the house 5. Pull TV off wall so it smashes on floor 6. Dig rat poison out of traps in basement 7. Dissolve rat poison from traps in Marcie’s emergency stress-relief cannabis tincture 8. Flush Joe’s anxiety meds down the toilet 9. Scrawl first line of love poem on Joe’s mirror: I kill for you bright star alpha man 10. Wait for the sound of tires on the driveway & LET THE FUN BEGIN |
TWO DAYS LATER
Joe’s Tuesday To-Do List: 1. Make funeral arrangements for Marcie 2. Pick up beer, whiskey, vodka 3. Turn off phone |
| RINKY’S THANK-ME-YOU’RE-WELCOME-DAY TO-DO LIST: 1. Do an invisible victory dance right in front of Joe’s face 2. Gouge every ceiling in the house while he’s passed out drunk 3. Slash all 4 tires on his car (plus the spare) so they can’t be reinflated 4. Add lines to poem about the joy of expressing my love for Joe via zany, feel-good hijinks |
TWO DAYS LATER
Joe’s Thursday To-Do List: 1. 10AM – Marcie’s funeral 2. DRINK |
| RINKY’S JUST-THE-TWO-OF-US-DAY TO-DO LIST: 1. Overturn garbage cans in yard 2. Set Marcie’s favorite roses on fire 3. Overflow bathtub, collapsing floor & flooding downstairs 4. Write another line of poem on Joe’s bathroom mirror: Roses ARENT red and your TRUE love aint DEAD |
ONE DAY LATER
Joe’s Friday To-Do List: 1. |
| RINKY’S WTF-DAY TO-DO LIST: 1. Figure out why Joe isn’t PAYING ATTENTION to me anymore, no matter WHAT I do |
ONE DAY LATER
Joe’s Saturday To-Do List: 1. Get gun and ammo out of safe 2. Write suicide note 3. Or not, it doesn’t matter anymore |
| RINKY’S NOW-I-GET-IT-THIS-IS-ALL-PART-OF-THE-FUN-DAY TO-DO LIST: 1. Admire Joe all over again for his BRILLIANT twist on our little game 2. Decide on best/funnest response to ratchet our loving prank war to the next level AND BEYOND |
THREE DAYS LATER
Joe’s Tuesday To-Do List:
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| RINKY’S YOU-GOTTA-LOVE-THIS-GUY’S-COMMITMENT-TO-THE-BIT TO-DO LIST: 1. Poke Joe with stick (again) 2. Splash Joe with cold water (again) 3. Try reassembling shattered chunks of Joe’s skull & putting blood back in from all over floor (leaving out bullet) 4. Plan next exciting round of mischief for when my beloved Joe opens his eyes, shouts JUST KIDDIN & we can have EVEN MORE BIG FUN! |
© 2025 Robert Jeschonek
