Family Fight for the Point of View Right

by Larry Hodges

SCENE 1 

“Honey, should we kill the children today?” Frieda asks.  

“Sure,” I say. “Why not?” My lovely wife is so cute when she talks murder. 

“Please don’t kill us!” cries Little Sammy. He cowers on the sofa with Baby Tammy, who slobbers like a broken water sprinkler, and Rex, our hyper-friendly tongue-waving chihuahua with the brains of a hyper-active cockroach.  

“Goo-goo,” says Baby Tammy. 

“Arf-arf,” barks Rex, wagging his puny little tail like an Olympic fencer.  

“Quiet, children, the adults are speaking,” I say. I point my finger at them and fake three quick shots, “bang-bang-bang!” They shut up. Children and dogs should be shot but not heard, don’t you agree? Little Sammy’s got that puppy-dog look I hate, and his face is full of freckles and tears, a blond sissy with big blue eyes begging to be poked. I can’t wait to kill him. And Baby Tammy, well, she looks like a filthy baby; they all look alike. We should have gotten hamsters.  

“You killed the last batch,” Frieda says. “It’s my turn.” 

“Yes, I did,” I say. “That’s why I’m the Point of View Character, the one telling this story.” I think Frieda has accepted this, which is why I’ve let her ugly face live. If she has any bright ideas, I can draw my pistol from my pocket in a jiffy. Practice makes perfect, right? 

That’s when I notice Frieda is pointing a gun at me. I take a deep breath.  

“Goo-goo,” says Baby Tammy. 

“Arf-arf,” barks Rex, licking Tammy’s face. 

I’ve trained my whole life for this. In a jiffy, I go for my gun. In less than a jiffy, Frieda fires and I see the bullet coming right at my face and— 

SCENE 2 

“Children,” I say, “now that your father is dead, I’m the Point of View Character and I get to tell this story. Plus, I get to kill you.” Puffs of smoke drift from the barrel of my revolver, which I’m pointing at my two stupid children. That’s three husbands I’ve gone through and I’ve lost count how many kids. Soon I'll marry another sucker and do it all again! 

“Mommy,” says Little Sammy, “now that Daddy is dead, you don’t have to kill us.”  

“That’s silly,” I say. “What would be the point of not killing you? We’ve told you since you first learned to say goo-goo that we were going to kill you. Are you trying to make liars out of us?” 

“Goo-goo,” says Baby Tammy. 

“Arf-arf,” barks Rex. He sniffs at Tammy’s diaper and jumps back, yelping.  

“I think Tammy needs changing,” says Little Sammy. “Do you really want to change a diaper on a dead baby?” 

I roll my eyes. He’s right. Oh shoot, while I rolled my eyes Little Sammy pulled out a gun. It’s aimed at my face, while mine is slightly lowered. How careless of me. But in my defense... where the hell did he get a gun? When not in use, we keep them locked in the gun cabinet! 

Little Sammy smiles. “I rigged up a video camera and got the combination the last time you opened the gun cabinet.”  

“Goo-goo,” says Baby Tammy.  

“Arf-arf,” barks Rex, running in circles like a drunken rat on steroids.  

“You eavesdropped on me?” I say, wondering if I’ll have to shoot the dog as well. “How rude. But I can raise my gun and shoot you in less than a jiffy.” 

“If you move a muscle—” Little Sammy says. 

I move a muscle as I raise my gun, but in half a jiffy, Little Sammy shoots and the bullet comes right at my— 

SCENE 3 

“I’m free!” I say. “Our parents are dead, and now I’m the Point of View Character! No more Little Sammy, I’m just Sam from now on. All that secret training we did with weights and toy guns paid off! Yippie! Jeez, Tammy, I’ve got their passwords, so I can raid their bank accounts.” I grin at her as she giggles and slobbers. “First thing I do is put you up for adoption. Little sisters are the worst! Then the candy store and toy store, then—” 

That’s when I notice that smelly Tammy has aimed a gun at me. Where the hell did she get that? She’s just a baby, it’s too heavy for her. Her hand shakes, and if she tries to shoot me she’ll miss for sure. Actually, her hand is starting to steady and... Jeez, is it normal for baby girls to have such muscular arms? Maybe I shouldn’t have let her weight train with me. But I can raise my gun and shoot her in half a jiffy.  

“Goo-goo,” says Baby Tammy.  

“Arf-arf,” barks Rex, excitedly looking back and forth at us like he’s watching a ping-pong match. 

In a half-jiffy I raise my gun, but in a quarter-jiffy she pulls the trigger and the bullet shoots right at me and— 

SCENE 4 

“Goo-goo,” I say. I’m a baby and can’t speak yet, but I can think as well as anyone, thank you very much, and now I’m the Point of View Character. I’ve won! I give Daddy’s gun a pat and jam it in my yucky diaper. It’s just Rex and me, and dogs can’t fire guns. First my family and this story, and next, the World! In between we’ll visit the candy and toy stores, and then the pet store where I’ll balance bacon strips on Rex’s snout ‘til I say, “goo-goo!” and then I’ll snatch the bacon away and laugh and kick him and— 

“Arf-arf,” barks Rex. In a whir, he goes for my neck. I grab at my gun but its jammed in my diaper and jeepers, I didn’t know a chihuahua could move so fast!  

“Ow! Stop it! You’re—” 

SCENE 5 

“Arf-arf,” I bark.