TERMINATION NOTICE, INTERPANTHEONIC CRIMINAL COURT

by Dorian Wolfe

From:
Athena Pallas
Hiring Manager, Interpantheonic Criminal Court
12 Kibisis Lane
Interpantheonic City, Olympia District 

To:
Nuwa Kitts
(Former) Head Defense Attorney, Interpantheonic Criminal Court
1 Mortal Circle
Interpantheonic City, Midgard District 

June 11, 2020  

Ms. Kitts: 

You should thank the gods that I am drinking a tart and absolutely wonderful sgroppino while dangling my legs over the foaming waters of the Aegean Pool. In short, I have no time to meander over to the musty, electricity-riddled atmosphere of Mortal Circle and deal with you personally. Of necessity, then, I will be indulgent and allow you to depart with a warning. 

My mind, which searches all memories past, glimpsed your performance at Azeban’s trial this morning. I have seen your complete and utter incompetence. Thanks to your efforts, the rest of Azeban’s trial has been postponed indefinitely while we seek a defense attorney with basic training and common sense. Indefinitely, I say, because it was difficult enough to find you. When we signed the agreement with the mortal authorities that required any defense attorney to be less than half-divine (a foolish agreement indeed), we deprived ourselves of the most qualified candidates; no “normal” lawyer wishes to leave his or her own dimension to participate in divine matters. Then again, you were no normal lawyer.  

Given the clear innocence of the defendant (this time) in the matter of the theft of the Akshayapatra, the level of incompetence required to bring the case to a halt was stupefying. I will recall to your “mind” two examples only: firstly, your use of § 1(b)() of the I.C. Criminal Code, the definition of the offense of deicide, in your primary argument against a burglary charge, and secondly, your reading of proprietary information—to wit, the recipe for ambrosia—to the assembled court before resting your case. (I, of course, have stripped that memory from all unauthorized hearers.) 

I must remind you that, even once a suitable replacement is found, the trial will take place only at Zeus’ pleasure. And as you know, he is less than predictable. Azeban remains in the ICC prison, forced to eat only ambrosia. (Which is a splendid gift to us Greeks, but a hardship for the Americans. They far prefer the smell and taste of chocolate and tend to apply a string of unfortunate metaphors to our cuisine. But wait! you may say. Making all the prisoners eat just ambrosia is your rule, O Most Wondrous Athena, and it’s quite arbitrary. To which I answer: yes and yes.) There he will remain for the next—what, month? Year? Century? 

You should yet again thank the gods that Azeban does not need to share a cell with Loki—this time. Maintaining two trickster gods in one cell is difficult; Azeban’s raccoon form would cause our difficulty to increase exponentially. If that problem had occurred, I would have been obliged to leave behind my tart (but increasingly sweet, as the sorbet melts and turns into slush in the bubbling wine. You should try one someday, should you survive so long) sgroppino, strap on my sandals, and attend to Mortal Circle. I assure you, your screams would have been heard all the way to the mortal dimension. 

Ms. Kitts, the Interpantheonic City Council paid the fine levied against you for defrauding your clients in the mortal dimension. Twenty-three million American dollars is an extraordinary sum, one you would never have been able to pay. In short, we offered you a life-changing opportunity.  

Evidently, we offered you one opportunity too many. Even your status as Zeus’ granddaughter (hardly unique) and my niece (quite unworthy of the title, I fear) will not earn you another. 

I must suppose that your extraordinary reading skills have misinterpreted my letter in some unimaginable way. Therefore, allow me to conclude with a plain statement: you are fired. Please depart Interpantheonic City at your earliest convenience. One of my lackeys will retrieve your keys, your badge, and your translationware.  

Sincerely, 

Athena, also known as Athena Pallas, Athena Parthenos, Athena Nike, etc.   

P.S. The next time you try to hide a pistol from a goddess, remember that such an effort is useless. I have telepathically disarmed the pistol you placed in that bag of asparagus in your refrigerator. If you truly wish to end your troublesome existence, please exit Interpantheonic City before doing so.  

P.P.S. Your asparagus is rapidly decaying and smells foul. 

© 2025 Dorian Wolfe