TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF YOUR SPIRITED CREDIT UNION REVERSE SOUL MORTGAGE (TM)
by Greg Clumpner
Art by Arnold T. Blumberg
To Mr. Joshua Harrington or current resident,
You pre-qualify for our program and the Spirited Credit Union (SCU) is pleased to offer you a Reverse Soul Mortgage™. With a Reverse Soul Mortgage™, SCU will take ownership of your soul for a limited time in exchange for a benefit of your choosing. At the end of the term of the Reverse Soul Mortgage™, you reclaim possession of your soul.†
The application comes with no risk to you. You have the option to select the terms of your Reverse Soul Mortgage™ on the attached form. If approved, further action is required to enact the Reverse Soul Mortgage™.*
When you return your application in the enclosed postage-paid envelope, you’re not risking anything nor are you committing to anything.
Please complete the attached form and print clearly. All sections must be complete.
† When covenants are met.
* Opt-in form sent upon approval.
Congratulations! You’ve Been Approved!
Congratulations, Mr. Harrington!
Spirited Credit Union is delighted to approve your Reverse Soul Mortgage™! Your terms are as follows: You shall receive a lump sum of $4,000,000 via direct deposit into your bank account at the onset of the Reverse Soul Mortgage™ and a monthly stipend of an additional $1,000,000 on the first day of the following eleven (11) months, for a total of $15,000,000.
To reclaim your soul, over the course of one (1) year from the onset of the Reverse Soul Mortgage™ you must perform net positive deeds equivalent to the sum of $15,000,000. EXAMPLE: If you donate the $15,000,000 to a worthy charity* you would reclaim your soul, free and clear. Please refer to the attached schedule for conversions of positive and negative deeds into US dollars. Terms and conditions apply.†
To agree to these terms and receive your initial payment, simply sign and return the attached form in the enclosed postage-paid envelope.
* Worthy charities listed on SCU website.
† Death prior to conclusion of term results in forfeiture of soul. A sacrifice of oneself for the benefit of another resulting in death renders contract null and void.
Important Notice - Action Requested
Dear Mr. Harrington,
We are writing to inform you that you have three months remaining on the term of your Spirited Credit Union Reverse Soul Mortgage™. As of the date of this mailing, you have not satisfied the covenants of the agreement required to recover your soul and are only 4% complete with your required net positive deeds.
We ask that you focus your time toward the completion of such deeds. If you fail to do so, SCU will foreclose upon your soul and it will be auctioned at the Soul Foreclosure Auction on the fifteenth of the month following to end of the term of your Reverse Soul Mortgage™.
Alternatively, you may extend the term of your Reverse Soul Mortgage™ by adding additional soul capital as collateral. Acceptable forms of such capital are the souls of your kin or loved ones.† Please refer to the attached schedule for conversions of personal relationships to added time of your Reverse Soul Mortgage™.
If you agree to provide the required capital and extend your Reverse Soul Mortgage™, please complete and return the attached form in the enclosed postage-paid envelope. If you wish to retain the current agreement, do nothing and continue completing positive deeds.
† If not under previous contract.
Impending Soul Foreclosure - Second Attempt
Dear Mr. Harrington,
This is our second attempt to contact you regarding your Spirited Credit Union Reverse Soul Mortgage™. As of the date of this mailing, you have three weeks to satisfy the covenants of the agreement or your soul will be auctioned next month. You have completed 11% of your required net positive deeds.
If you have not yet extended the term of your Reverse Soul Mortgage™, there is still time to do so. Please complete and return the attached form in the enclosed postage-paid envelope. Failure to promptly do so will result in the imminent foreclosure and impending auction of your soul.
Final Documentation
To whom it may concern RE: The estate of Mr. Joshua Harrington,
We are writing to inform you that due to the circumstances of Mr. Harrington’s untimely death, his contract with Spirited Credit Union has been broken. Under the terms and conditions of the contract, Mr. Harrington’s soul will not face foreclosure and will be returned. Please keep the enclosed documentation for your records.
You may consider this matter closed. Spirited Credit Union does not require a response.
