The Cth'interview

by Brian K. Lowe

Artwork by Doan Trang

[Camera, close in on host.] 

Horatio Walpole: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is 'The Chat'. I'm your host, Horatio Walpole. Tonight, we're both honored and terrified to bring you the Dread Lord of the Outer Darkness himself, the Elder God Cthulhu." 

[Camera pans out to show two figures on stage.] 

Walpole: "Good evening, Your Demonic Majesty." 

Cthulhu: [sipping from a large paper cup] "Good evening, Horatio. I wish I could say it was a pleasure to be here." 

Walpole: "I know the feeling. Please excuse the sunglasses; being this close to your inhumanly hideous face is guaranteed to bring any human to madness without protection. Viewers at home will notice that we have digitally blurred the Dread Lord's appearance for your safety. There is nothing wrong with your television. 

"So, C—can I call you 'C,' by the way? Your name's a bit of a tongue-twister." 

Cthulhu: [shrugs] "It's your funeral." 

Walpole: [laughing nervously] "So, Lord Cthulhu, let's get right to the heart of it, shall we? The question everyone wants answered. All the prophecies say that when you awaken, you're going to destroy the world and enslave the human race. Not to put too fine a point on it, but you're here, and we're here, and the Earth isn't on fire…" 

Cthulhu: "It's still early. I haven't finished my coffee." 

Walpole: "Yes, I noticed. We have coffee in the studio, you know. You didn't have to bring your own." 

Cthulhu: "I like Starbucks. I like that they have one on every corner. I drink a lot of coffee." 

Walpole: "Really. Well, if you like it that much, maybe you should buy a franchise. Am I right, audience?" 

[Applause] 

Cthulhu: "I did. I actually found a little town that didn't have one yet. Tatanka, Wyoming." [sipping] "I couldn't make a go of it. Lost a bundle." 

Walpole: [holding one hand to his ear bud] "Interesting. According to our researchers, there is no town called Tatanka, Wyoming." 

Cthulhu: "Imagine that." 

Walpole: "O-o-kay… So, let's try another one. What actually woke you up after your sleep of what—10,000 years?" 

Cthulhu: "More like 600 million." 

Walpole: "Wow! Somebody get this ma—er, demon—some more coffee!" [peers at Cthulhu] "And not that backstage garbage, either." 

Cthulhu nods approvingly. 

Walpole: "But back to my question—what woke you up? An earthquake? A nuclear test?" 

Cthulhu: "Gardeners." 

Walpole: "Excuse me?" 

Cthulhu: "Gardeners. Coming in at seven a.m. to the neighbors', turning on those damned blowers… Woke me up. I almost triggered the apocalypse right then. Anybody who can't learn to use a rake deserves to have his world consumed in cosmic fire and blood." 

Walpole: [laughing] "Well, who hasn't said that at one time or another. Am I right?" [Audience applauds nervously.] "Hold on--—you said you almost set off the apocalypse right then. What stopped you?" 

Cthulhu: "Somebody knocked on my door." 

[Audience buzzes.] 

Walpole: "Wait a second. Wait a second. Are you trying to tell me that someone actually knocked on your door? The door of He Who Haunts the Outside?" 

Cthulhu: "Actually, I was haunting the inside of my house. That's where I was sleeping." [Crushes empty cup and looks pointedly at Walpole.] 

Walpole: [finger to ear, whispering] "Where's that damned intern with the coffee? So, Monstrous Majesty, somebody was at your door… Do we dare ask what happened to him?" 

Cthulhu: "Her." [Audience buzzes.] "It was a Girl Scout. Selling cookies." 

Walpole: "You didn't—?" 

Cthulhu: "Yeah, I did." [Pauses.] "I bought four boxes. Do you know how much those things cost these days? Back in my day…" 

[Intern arrives with four coffee cups in a cardboard tray. Cthulhu takes them, sips from one, spits it out. Intern turns into an earthworm.] 

Cthulhu: "That's decaf!" [Yawns; entire first row of audience transformed into bats.] "It's Tatanka, Wyoming all over again! How am I supposed to stay awake?" [Yawns again, two cameras come to life and run outside.] "Forget it, this interview's over." [Stomps off.] 

Walpole: "Well, that's celebrities for you… Tomorrow, we'll be talking to Brad Pitt, Miss America, and the Loch Ness Monster. This has been 'The Chat,' with Horatio Walpole. Have a good afternoon, America—you never know how long it's going to last." 

©2025 Brian K. Lowe